Welcome to Rediscover · Reconnect · Re-Emerge. If you find the fleeting changes of modern life wearisome, maybe even overwhelming, join me on a journey, a path well-trodden, as I share heartfelt and often nostalgic reflections on living slowly, simply, and in tune with the seasons.

In this series, I share some of the pieces of music which have meant the most to me in my life, and the stories behind why they resonate so strongly within a life lived slowly and simply.

Have you ever felt like a failure?

If I were a betting man, I’d put money on the fact you have. At one or more times in our lives, we’ve all felt like we’ve failed. It’s something we don’t like to talk about, although conversely, we’re equally reluctant to talk about success for fear of sounding boastful.

When I was at school, it was in the Labour government era of ‘education, education, education’, perhaps an admirable aim, but where the overriding desire was that everyone would have the opportunity to go to university, and that in turn, that would bring about success, growth and prosperity, not just for each individual, but for the country. 25 years on, whilst this has been true for some people, many are now questioning the effectiveness of this policy. Were we sold a lie?

As was expected, I duly went to university. It was not a success. I think I lasted about 8 weeks before bailing out and leaving. In some ways it was an easy decision; I knew it was right for me. I knew deep down that I had followed a path into a box into which I was never going to fit. On the other hand, it was a hard decision. I knew that many would see it as a failure. Inevitably, people cried out, “you need to stick at it for longer”, “it’ll be worth it in the end”, and “you’ll regret it”. Indeed, I felt like a failure. I had failed at the one thing everyone seemed to so crave that I did. I had failed society. I hadn’t just let down family and friends, but I’d let down the school, and all the people who had set me on that pathway.

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We live in a society which equates worth with productivity, perfection, and constant upward-movement. We must progress, do more, earn more, and work harder. It’s not enough to just enjoy where you are, we must not only move forward, but upwards too. We’re all aware, and I’m sure have felt at one time or another in our lives, the shame of ‘not succeeding’. It is isolating, and indeed, when I left university after just over two months, I felt isolated. I had failed the world around me. I failed to fit in.

Yet my rejection of that societal expectation was, all these years on, a great gift. In that moment of feeling that I’d failed, a tiny seed was planted. What if these so-called failures are simply detours on life’s journey? What if society’s definition of ‘success’ is just too narrow?

After that experience, it took me a long, long time to find a community into which I was welcomed and nurtured. When I say community, I don’t mean just one place, or one group of people, but a wider sense of shared unity and collaboration; a belief in an alternative way of living, an alternative way of reframing failure and success. But even in the most wonderful of communities, things don’t always go to plan. Sometimes those detours on the journey can be long and arduous, yet in seeking those kindred spirits with whom we share a deep and lasting connection, we find  shared human experience. Just as in a shared garden, when crops fail, the community replans, regroups, and replants. However much of a failure it felt, it isn’t experienced in isolation; it is merely a waymarker on a shared journey.

Some might say we live in an individualistic world, where the individual matters more than the whole. It is, of course, a wonderful thing to be an individual, to be authentic, to have our own personalities and interests; we can be who we truly are. But individualism can go the other way, glorifying self-made success, simply adding fuel and shame to the fire of failure.

But when we journey together, with others, in collaboration, and in shared, mutual support, we weather the storms together. Look out of the window to the trees, the plants, the insects, and the birds; nature thrives through its ecosystems. A forest is more than a single tree.

A piece of music which became very special to me in those dark days of late-2002, was Benjamin Britten’s ‘Concord’ from his Choral Dances from Gloriana:

Concord is here
Our days to bless
And this our land to endue
With plenty, peace and happiness.
Concord and Time
Each needeth each:
The ripest fruit hangs where
Not one, but only two, only two can reach.

The text celebrates the power of harmony and cooperation. It is a beautiful reminder that whilst we all have individual parts to play, true peace, prosperity, and fulfillment come when people work together. The richest rewards in life are reached by unity, rarely by individuals acting alone.

We think of the seasons of autumn and winter, as seasons of death and loss, yet these things, these detours, are essential for renewal. We couldn’t enjoy the beautiful blossoms and flowers we experience in spring, and rich green growth in summer, without those seasons. It isn’t that nature fails to bloom in winter; it’s simply a season for pausing and preparation. Trees must shed leaves to rest, but seeds must break open to grow.

‘In nature, nothing is wasted. What looks like an end is often a beginning.’ ~ Anon.

I have no regrets. I look back on that time in my life with a certain amount of thankfulness. Thankful that in failure, a seed was quietly and gently planted. Since then it has grown and flourished more than I could have ever imagined. But it couldn’t have done that without the support, the encouragement, and the faithfulness of those around me who believed, like I did, that there was another way.

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